Trust the process

Trust the process. The process is important. But I pushed myself so hard one day this week trying to write through the process that I exhausted myself.

I did my morning pages, practiced yoga, and then tried to write an essay. Nothing happened. I was frustrated. Why weren’t the words flowing? They’ve been flowing for weeks now. I still have more to process, reflect on, and write about. I am not lacking in ideas, believe me.

So why wasn’t I able to get them out of my head?

I tried a tactic.

Let me declutter the office so that I can declutter my brain. And while I’m at it, I’ll listen to some thought-provoking podcasts.

Yes, this will work.

Two hours later…nothing. The words still won’t come.

Okay, next tactic.

“I’m taking myself for a walk,” I announce to my mom as I head out the door. Fresh air will do me good.

The sun is there, but not as warming as I’d hoped. A leaf blower sounds in the distance.

Why must we always bother things? Why can’t we leave things be?

I’m frustrated. My pace quickens; my mind is spinning.

Dark clouds sit on the horizon, but they don’t feel threatening.

I take a right when I usually go straight. Dry leaves rustle above and below me.

Why can’t I write today?

I keep walking. Eventually, I came to the neighborhood pond: the trees, buildings, and sky reflect clearly on the water.

Wait, why isn’t the water rippling? Am I moving so fast I’m generating my own breeze? Slow down, Alyson. Relax.

I take a deep breath but I can’t seem to slow down. The sun is being swallowed by the clouds and I head home.

It felt good to move my body but nothing seems to be happening with my writing.

Next tactic: a short nap.

Still nothing.

And now I have to take a phone call for one of the hats I’m trying to take off.

I resign myself to my fate. Today has been infuriating and I have nothing to show for it.

The few words I’ve written are jumbled and not going anywhere. I haven’t had a day like this in a while. It scares me.

I’m supposed to be writing. This process is helping me. It’s grounding me. And today, I feel completely untethered. I feel almost out of my body.

What is wrong with me? What if I can’t do this after all? What if it’s just been a fluke that I’ve been writing consistently for the last month, and now it’s over. I have nothing else to give?

And then I remember.

I’m letting things come as they may.

I’m learning to accept that my energy changes. I have periods of great energy where I create and produce without much effort. Where my body hums with aliveness.

And then I have periods of fallowness. Where I struggle to finish projects and rest feels like the only thing I can achieve. Where I’m alive but quiet.

It’s a time for rest. It’s a time to let my body and my mind reflect without pressure.

It’s all part of the process.

A process I’m still trying to figure out and one I don’t quite trust yet.

Because I’m still unlearning so much of what I’ve been conditioned to believe.

Unlearning the ethos that I must always be producing. That producing should be easy. That rest isn’t necessary.

With how chaotic my mind felt at the end of the day, I didn’t think I would sleep well. But sleep came easily and today, I feel a little better.

I trusted the process in the end. And maybe I do still have something to create.

I wrote this, after all. 

In the spirit of trusting the process, and acknowledging that sometimes the process gets interrupted, I’ll be taking next week off from posting.

Take care of yourself through the holidays. You’re doing great.